If you’re anything like me, you’ve longed for lasting happiness, success, romantic relationships, financial abundance, and a sense of peaceful calm that doesn’t end.

I made the search for happiness my main endeavor. I explored both eastern and western traditions, including living in an ashram in India. I was determined to figure out why I was unhappy because I wanted to eradicate unhappiness from my life.

And eventually, I found what I was searching for, but not in the way I expected.


I was staying at the ashram for the second time, looking for the happiness I’d experienced the first time in my guru’s presence. This time, however, feeling happy was harder to come by. I felt frustrated, confused, and even a bit betrayed.

Image of wall in India outside ashram where I was sitting when I had my big insightWhile sitting on a stone wall just outside the ashram, a familiar old beggar walked toward me, hailing me with his bright toothless smile.

Eyes shining, he extended his hands palms upward, making his daily request for rupees. Despite his lack of teeth, tattered clothes, and what I judged as a demeaning station, his eyes were sparkling with joy, his smile open and engaging, and his presence emanated peace and calm.

As our eyes met, I realized — in large, loud, neon letters flashing above my head — that my beggar friend had found happiness – not by finding the right guru, not by spending money on the right retreat, and certainly not by the absence of unhappiness.

Surely, he experienced unhappiness when he had to be struggling each day to get the basic human needs of water, food, and shelter. And yet, despite what would have made me miserable, he had the unflappable happiness that I had been searching for.

And suddenly, it hit me. The “go get it” happiness, the happiness that comes when I gain something I want or accomplish something I want, was temporary happiness.

Within moments of delighting in the happiness of achieving my desire or goal, my focus would change to gaining something else I didn’t yet have. And the unhappiness of not having that then ensued.

The beggar, on the other hand, was happy with and without the object of his desire. This was the happiness I was after.


image of a woman's legs and feet walking and casting a shadow behind her to illustrate that we can't get away from our shadow parts that like to hideWe try so hard to eradicate what makes us unhappy in order to be happy, only to find it doesn’t work. This is the paradox of life. Happiness and unhappiness define each other. Happiness is the absence of unhappiness, and unhappiness is the absence of happiness. We cannot have one without the other.

So, our lifelong search for maintaining one extreme of the happiness spectrum at the expense of the other is as futile as looking for a magnet with only the north pole.

Self-help gurus and practices the world over teach many ways to address our shadow selves. These are the parts of us we wish did not exist, such as showering them with love and light.

The thing is, our shadow selves, our unhappiness, and discontent, do not arrive to be dismissed or subjugated. They arrive in front of you for a reason – to offer us their wisdom.

My unhappiness was telling me that the solutions I was seeking in order to “cure” this burden were ineffective.

I discovered I had to change my perspective. I seemed to miss something important.

It soon became clear that feeling happy and unhappy were two sides of the same coin, and I couldn’t have one without the other. Just that realization alone created more peace and happiness in my journey through daily life.

When I folded this into my Six-Step Process for becoming unflappable, I finally found the path to a true, deep, and lasting happiness. And so did my clients.


a red background with a set of ear buds attached to wires that shape themselves into a heart to illustrate the key is to listen to your unhappiness and find its gift for youWhen Josey, a successful bank executive, came to me, she was feeling unfulfilled and tired of being the ball-busting boss. She wanted to feel calm and peaceful at work, and in the rest of her life.

This was a persona she had successfully sculpted to navigate the corporate ladder. I helped her see that her discontent — the anxiety, stress, and fear she sought to eliminate — was actually telling her something. All she really had to do was just listen to it.

By truly listening, she unearthed the wisdom of her discontent. Josey realized she wanted to reclaim her soft side at work.

By listening to her unhappiness, rather than running away from it, Josey integrated her softness into her work persona — and the rest of her life, too.

She told me, “Having my heart open in this new way makes each day more worthwhile and meaningful — and fun! And I love having so much more peace of mind!”

The Moral Of The Story?

a tea set up with scones to illustrate what to offer your unhappiness when you extend the invitation to get to know its messageExamine your unhappiness.

Invite it in for a cup of tea and a scone.

And listen to its wisdom. It’s come to visit with something powerful and freeing to give you.

Until next time,
Much love


First published in Success Consciousness Magazine  

Images courtesy of www.Pixabay.com